day sixty eight

Posted in finding myself: the journey every person must complete by Jacqueline Iannacone on February 28, 2010
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fact number fifty: i need to be more in tune. more involved with things, every-things.

for one: this blog. i have not posted anything for two weeks. two weeks is a long time. too long. thing is, just because i haven’t been blogging doesnt mean i havent been thinking about blogging. i missed it so much. my fingers just can’t stop typing because it feels so good just to be here again. in this seat. doing this. it is permanent. i will always be able to sit here, wherever here will be, i will be in the same place. my … my mind is in its own home, where the world surrounding me is mindless; senseless. all that matters is myself living in this moment, taking this time to myself to write about -to vent and express without complaining about- my life and my journey. it is mine. it is a growing, changing, timeless thing that i need to focus more on. i have to be involved in this thing -blogging- so i can use each day to my advantage. without waiting for tomorrow, or for when im going to sleep or for when i go home or for when i remind myself that i want to write today or for when i think of a brilliant blog and decide to not write something down, then is when i need to change my habits. then is when i need to decide. because all this life is is a list of decisions you choose to make each day. every little minute decision to not write something down, or to complain about that which you do not have or to blame others for your short comings directly reflects the life you want to life. with this in thought we need to realize that who you are lies in the decisions we make… every single day.

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day fifty four

fact number forty nine: giving back leaves me happier than i have ever felt.

i won’t get into the details, but recently i had the opportunity to photograph a charity event which celebrated loving yourself and making sure you choose yourself first. when i heard the story behind this project i couldn’t think of turn it down. to give you a taste of my joy… half way through i found myself wanting to text all of my friends and tell them about how amazing this experience had been.

the people i got to know, each individual… all so different, so unique, all had one thing in common… they had hope in the future. they believed in a better life. and when they saw everything the volunteers had put into this event… well the thankfulness was undeniable. it gives me chills just thinking about all the smiles i saw that day. not one person was in a bad mood, not one person was bitter, angry or resentful… they were simply beyond inspiring (both the volunteers and the participants).

going through the photos tonight brought me right back to the event. every photograph i took was a story, every subject had something important to say and i couldn’t help but be tuned in. one situation in particular stuck with me. this person in particular was eager to get away from the mirror, they wanted to move quickly through the stations as if they were a burden to the volunteer they were working with… until the volunteer said, “wait… slow down. look at yourself. this is your day… take your time and take it all in.” it reminded me that every day we must take the time to see ourselves. not only to see ourselves but to see the beauty in our imperfections (both men and women) and have the confidence to show ourselves off in a positive manner.

i have never really looked at myself and reflected back on what has happened in my past and how it has shaped the person i am today… this event revealed that to me. this event opened my eyes to a new point of view.

i have learned to be thankful for that which i have, embrace that which is to come and take life as it is, step by step.

transformations don’t happen over night they happen when you stop looking in the mirror seeing a stranger staring back and start seeing the inspiring, strong and confident person you can and will be.

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day fifty

fact number forty eight: i try to be there when i have to be there for people but i’m the worst at keeping touch in between

i am quite possibly they worst person at keeping in touch with old friends. maybe it’s just that i occupy my time so vastly into what is happening now to prepare for the future that i completely forget about the past. forgetting about the past has played a significant role in my life… from childhood i was continuously forgetting about that which has happened and focus on what is to come. i was always planning. all the time. maybe it was a defense mechanism. maybe it was my way of keeping people close… because if we had plans for tomorrow or the next day we continued to be a part of each others lives.

either way, planning was (and in a big way still is) a part of my day to day life. i wrote things down. mindless things. lists and lists of things to do, places to go. not interesting ones. nothing life changing. just a list of what i was doing for the day… productive? yes. freeing? no.

no wonder why i have found myself at 21 with little knowledge of what has brought me to the place i stand today. i was so focused on planning today that when today turned into tomorrow i had forgotten what had got me to yesterday’s today.

yesterday in a sense never existed. that’s what happens when you are blinded by the possibilities of today and of tomorrow. so where does that leave me? because i don’t want it to continue. i don’t want to walk around with countless forgotten yesterdays.

… wow that’s a nice little message, i don’t want to walk around with countless forgotten yesterdays…

that sounds like a good way to close things up

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day fortytwo

fact number fortyseven: i’m one of those people who believe in horoscopes and whimsical thoughts, card readings, psychics… all that shit. does that make me naive? i don’t think so. i believe there is something to be said for having faith in higher powers, not Godly.. though that’s not a bad thing to have faith in… what i’m concerned with is the predictions about the future, what other people have studied and have generated, through their research… ideas and advice regarding the future the past and most importantly… the now, the present… these horoscopes, these general predictions help to guide the path to success.

and they’re pretty accurate.

you may think they’re too general to not be accurate… that all these people are doing is reading body language, vocal inflictions… but i think there’s something there.

today i read my horoscope, as i do from time to time when i’m looking for guidance and curious about what lies ahead… at this time, if you haven’t read yesterdays blog, please do because the connection between what your about to read today and what i posted yesterday is undeniable…

yesterdays horoscope was about love… “Are you falling for someone you know on the job, Virgo? If so, you might find out that your feelings are reciprocated. Your friend could telephone or e-mail and invite you out, away from work. Some other people might be present, but this won’t stop you from getting better acquainted and realizing that this relationship shows promise. The only problem is that you may have to keep it under your hat for a while, at least at work.”

“are you serious!” i thought…

it’s just funny how things fall into place, when i blogged yesterday i hadn’t read this horoscope. no clue. nothing. both were written on separate days, by separate people, yet both had a significant amount to do with the other. if i have learned nothing other than that there is truth in that which we are fastest to doubt, im satisfied.

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day thirtythree

fact number fortyfour: self progress is a never ending adventure and i’m okay with it taking as long as it needs to take to reach my goals.

“Life is not about how fast you achieve your goals, its not about whats waiting for you once you’ve achieved them, its about the experiences you’ve had and the lessons you’ve learned in the process.” -Samantha Loffman

Samantha i cannot express to you how amazing and inspiring it was to hear that from someone other than myself. i literally said the exact same thing, practically word for word yesterday to a friend of mine. the past day or so i have felt like i was being pushed to be someone i’m not, that my passion and my desire to succeed was being questioned and strongly doubted. it wasn’t until i said that i will grow in my own time, that it’s okay to know what you want in life and to not back down from reaching your goals while maintaining your happiness.

i would much rather do what i love to do and take longer to get where i want to get than be miserable in the process by doing something that doesn’t make me happy. that is to say, when you are content with your actions, when you have confidence and know your strengths, weaknesses and have that strong driving force you are already unstoppable… there’s no need to take the long road through aspects of life which make you miserable when you have your desire to succeed in what you want to do on your side. that’s what defines the successful from the unsuccessful… those who are happy waking up every morning doing what they love to do are successful and honest, those who are not happy are in turn unsuccessful; no matter how much money you earn.

i also want to add that in order to know what it is you really want to do with your life you need to explore all aspects of that field and those fields neighboring your ultimate goal. only then will you know what it is that makes you TRULY happy. you never know when something could surprise you or when you find something new about your craft (in my case, photography) that could completely change your entire way of looking at the world… or doing so… exploring other chapters of your craft could 100% confirm what it is you’ve always thought was what you wanted to do.

it’s okay to not want to do everything. it’s okay to know what you want. and just because you don’t necessarily enjoy every part of your field doesn’t mean you are any bit less passionate for your craft. it means you are confident in what makes you happy and are strong enough to stand up for what you believe in and for what drives you. be honest with yourself and trust yourself enough to fight for what you believe in…. that is passion.

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day twentyeight

fact number fortythree: it’s better to be busy than to be wondering what you could become.

before i get started i want to apologize for not blogging the past couple of days. life has been a bit crazier than usual… it just seems like there’s not enough time in one day, or that the days only last for 6 hours or so. it’s really hard to slow down in a city that doesn’t stop for anyone… but it all links back to the thought that it’s better to be swamped than to be unproductive, and to in turn have zero opportunities ahead. i personally put that aspect very high on my agenda… always (i say “always” loosely) have somewhere to be or be planning on having somewhere to be. i’m talking about taking action and making things work because you’re passionate about them. that should never be slacking.

what’s most important for me though is that i don’t portray myself as having too much on my plate, because i don’t feel i do. yes, at times things can get hairy between the phone calls and the forever changing plans, “school frustrations” but it’s all doing good in my life. it’s when you feel pushed to deliver that you inevitably succeed. it just so happens that my way of dealing with stress is to vent. getting it all out just makes me feel better, it’s like i’m conquering my worries and my stresses. speaking the problems and figuring out solutions is my way of making them physical and i therefore am able to overpower.

i think a light bulb was just turned on.

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day twentyfive

fact number fortytwo: family is defined by the people who have your back. i forget who it was that said that in their acceptance speech at the golden globes tonight (example of how my memory sucks as pointed out at the beginning of this now 25 day journey) but it stuck with me. it made me reconsider a lot of the things i have been doubting. there are a lot of people out there who have my back and who i know always will. they are the people who think what i have to say has value, those who trust in my growth and know that if the tables were turned i would be right by their side as they have been for me. i owe a lot to these people. and i feel i haven’t really paid tribute to those individuals who have always been there step by step, day by day encouraging me and influencing me, supporting me. i am about to reach a time in my life where i will be needing the support of those people more than ever… there is something to be said to remembering and confronting that which you wish to forget. this is my new project… i want to face that which has seemingly held power over me, i want to conquer those in my life who have done me wrong and who have shaped the person i am today for better or worse… by doing so it can only bring me closer to my goal of finding myself… i will be discovering completely different aspects about my life and my past which i have been sweeping under the carpet for the past 15 years or so… it’s time for them to be revealed.

there will be more information about what it is that this series will mean… i will be writing about all the different people i will be photographing and the affect the traumatic experiences has had on me, how i have defeated them and how it isn’t difficult to move on from a heart wrenching event when you have the confidence and the family to support you… all you need are people there who have your back.

this is a short one but an important one… make sure those individuals in your life who have had your back know how much that means to you because when you decide to face the past you’ll need them to be there to help you stand up to your fears.

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day twentyfour

fact number forty-one: i don’t always take my own advice.  in yesterday’s post i said how you shouldn’t sweat the small stuff and that it’s more important to roll with the punches than it is to dwell… and that when you turn a day that could have easily been ruined by certain aspects going wrong into a great day you discover different things about yourself, meet new people… some of which could change your life.  when i wrote that i was talking about a situation i was experiencing at the time, my friend Jonathan was photographing a brazilian party down town and he had invited me… i was 100% down.  until i couldn’t find someone available to go with me… for all sorts of different reasons… plus i was pretty tired and a part of me really just wanted to go to bed.  in the same breath you could also say a part of me was upset because i wasn’t going out, writing the blog was like therapy, much like it is for many of us bloggers.  it helped me overcome being upset to the point where i was about to go to sleep early, then i layed down, closed my eyes and couldn’t stop thinking about the part of my blog where i said that when you roll with the punches you open the door to new experiences.  by closing my eyes and heading to bed i was being a complete hypocrite.  i wasn’t comfortable with that.  i felt like i was cheating myself and lying to you.  i was even more uncomfortable with that.  so what did i do? i pulled up my big girl pants, went to the party and had a great time.  it turned out to be an amazing night, and was actually better that i went alone because i could have left when i wanted to, i didn’t have to depend on anyone else.  it was a very freeing experience which tested my confidence…

i think it’s hugely important to be able to do, go and experience things on your own.  granted when i got to the party i met up with Jon and his girlfriend, Caroline… so i wasn’t exactly on my own at this party but i hope it will make it easier for me to continue doing things and going places on my own, not being lonely, being alone… those are two different things.

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I need your help!

Please vote for my portfolio at Hi! and mark your vote by the number of stars you think it deserves… of course 5 stars would be amazing! This is part of the self portrait series which is linked with this daily blog… thanks for all of the support!

cheers : )

day twentythree

fact number thirtynine: i don’t ever want to give up on someone.

before i rant, first listen to this story:
one day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. the animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him… they all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. at first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

a few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. he was astonished at what he saw. with each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. he would shake it off and take a step up.

as the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up and over the edge of the wall and happily trotted off.


ok. now… this is quite possibly the most disturbing, most refreshing and most telling story about human nature and the power to overcome obstacles i have ever read. too often do we discount that which seems to have little to no worth… in reality it’s what has little worth that completes the cycle. it’s the little things. which help fit the puzzle together.

the complete disregard for life and the power to prove your worth. not only did this farmer depend on this donkey, he had i’m sure developed some sort of relationship with him. the donkey was old… we know this from what was written, so that implies that the farmer has had the animal for a number of years… i’m sorry, any animal which is in your life (humans included) will most certainly have an emotional connection with you. IT’S HUMAN NATURE! as it was human nature to disregard that which is old and therefore useless? unfortunately this seems to be true from what is described here. i cannot tell you how much that bothers me. and this isn’t only the case with adults… it also is evident in young children. i don’t know about your experiences but i know plenty of families where young kids (4-12 years old) want nothing to do with their Grandparents. they’re old, they’re boring, they’re annoying? let’s try they love the shit out of you and would do anything for you. granted this may not be the case in every family but i am a believer in the idea of there being good in everyone, and in the sense of a family member, that love may not always be at the forefront of every relationship, every day… but it’s there because it’s family… much like how that farmer was part of the donkey’s family… they depended on one another, and when the donkey needed something from the farmer he chose to give up on the animal. never give up on someone because you think they are worthless… every single person on this planet was put there to hold some importance in your life. remember that and be grateful that they are sharing this world with you and accepting you for you, and even if they don’t accept you for you, appreciate the fact that they think you’re important enough to hold an opinion about you and about your life.

every day try to prove to those who doubt you that you are not a lost cause, that you can overcome and that you are worth a lot more than they initially expected.

“we can get over the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up.”

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